Friday, November 04, 2005

Fuck Off

i got to know a truth i never knew. i dont even know if that is the truth. and that is exactly what i got to know, that i cant know anything for sure. a friend of mine told that i am a schizophrenic. so now i am always wondering if something is for real. i even wonder if that friend is for real. if he is not i guess i am just making up things about my own schizophrenia. but then he could be for real. in which case, his claim that one of my other friends is not for real must be true, assuming he is not lying to me, or playing a prank. but i dont want it to be true. i like that friend, or maybe that could have been one of the reason why i invented him in the first place. i dont know. but i just dont want him not to be real. in which case the first friend should not be real. in either case i lose a friend, for no apparent fault of mine. so now i dont like this fanciful state of being. it wasnt always like this. when he told me this for the first time, i had a strange feeling of elation. i felt like a genius. i felt like god for i could create a human out of nothing, i could define how he looks like to the last detail, how he walks and how he talks. or maybe she. maybe all the girls in the red, i cant help but notice on the roads, in the restaurants, whom when i find smiling at me, i grow manifold inside, have not been. they in most probability were not. and it scares me. maybe when i thought i was making out, i was just alone, kissing in the air, or maybe even myself, and they all stood their in a circle around me and had laughed. maybe they all actually laugh. maybe everyone except me has been knowing of my condition but me. i dont know. i cant be sure of anything now. i sit in the lectures and i feel they are staring at me, laughing hysterically, i turn to look at them, to find they are not actually looking at me but still i feel uneasy. i can see that faint smile on their face they are trying so hard to suppress. ah..they are all liking this game and playing along. i am the fucking stray dog on the road they can tie their crackers to, and have fun. i cant take anything for granted now. maybe thats not altogether a bad thing after all. i know, the guy who died because of me when i was thirteen, maybe that was all a dream. yeah, now i can say i made that whole story up, and sleep peacefully. but then im lost. reality, truth, dreams, people, ghosts, voices, all gets mixed up. its scary. hell scary. everything is a wonderland and its not even funny. i guess i am just fucked up and imagining this whole story up. maybe i am not even typing after all. haha..im sorry for all of you, coz this could have made a such a colourful scandalous story u never got to know of .. maybe i can use this imaginary occasion to say to all of you what i have been trying to say , those two words..