cross purpose

my dear father,
i am sorry.
for whatever u think i should be sorry for.
and im sorry for the things which u may not even know about.

i know u have been tryin to communicate your problems and intentions to me, and i know u feel that i dun understand or do not care. the irony is that i do. i know what u are talkin about but i dont feel the need to express that i understand. maybe im wrong in doin this but this is the person i am. i wont express where i do not expect to be understood. and that has been my bane all my life, i believe most of the people have failed to understand and see through to what i really am, aided by my own reluctance to reveal so i dont really mind in most cases. i may not be the person u would have wanted me to be, i may not be what many people would have expected me to be, but whatever i am, i do not regret being this person, and believe me im not that bad. i am a little child waiting to grow up, i am an old man saddled by the past, i am a young man of 20 setting out for a journey.

i am sorry for all the times i may have hurt you, but i also believe that at most of these times, i was failed to be understood. i do not blame you or anyone because the prime reason for that was my disability to communicate my desires and sorrows. and i no longer feel sad about that either, because i have become comfortably numb. i am not the sort of person who would hurt anyone, and i mean anyone. the only person i must have enjoyed hurting is myself. i am 20 now. i have seen a lot than you would expect me to. i have learnt things from you and i have learnt things from the world, and lately i have started learning from myself too. what i mean to say is that i do not know only what u have taught me but i know a lot more than that. i still believe i know almost nothing, and i wanna learn. but now, i want to do it on my own. i want to fall and stand up all by myself. i want to be able to make mistakes, accept them, and learn from them. do not try and take away this liberty from me, for that would leave me with nothing.

i have made mistakes and i have learnt. i have learnt and i have changed. i do not know if i was supposed to be so but the fact is that i am so. and thus i can only try and hide those things about me and my life which i feel may perturb you or anyone. i may have been wrong in doing so but i dont believe i was. there are things i want to be concerned about on my own, and left alone fending my own problems. i am grateful that you are concerned and wish to help, but i do not wish to bother you, and i even feel that you having so much experience will not see the things that concern me in the same light as i do now. i am sorry if any of this sounds not to your liking.

as for sister, sometimes i do feel bad for the things i could have provided but i am not able to. it is all beacuse of the uneasiness of the interpersonal relations i share in the family and outside. it has always been a great matter of concern to me to understand people and be understood which i have found in perfect conjunction at very rare times. i do not want u to worry much about me, i will take care of myself, but please do look after her. i believe she needs you around her and not necessarily physical presence.

since you are asking for the report of the last semester, i believe you have already got it, or have an idea about it. so i will choose to not mail it to you. i am sorry about that. if you dont know then i will tell you that it is bad, real bad, as you would like to call it, and i would prefer you will let it be. i am sad and i am not sad at the same time. i am sad because i was fooled by my own expectations and did not see it coming. i am not sad because it has taught me some new things about myself, people and the world. i may not promise you to succeed this time for fear of letting you down, but i can only assure you that i know what i am doing. i may not understand somethings yet, but i seek to learn them myself.

i sincerely wish that you dont take my words in the wrong spirit. its my first attempt to open up to you, and it well may be the last. and i will ask you to stop worrying, i will do that all myself. and i would not like to talk about this letter, so i would request you to refrain from doing so. trust me, i havent lost my mind, i have jus come to have one of my own.

love and regards
feignman