cross purpose
my dear father,
i am sorry.
for whatever u think i should be sorry for.
and im sorry for the things which u may not even know about.
i know u have been trying to communicate your problems and intentions to me, and i know u feel that i dun understand or do not care. the irony is that i do. i know what u are talkin about but i dont feel the need to express that i understand. maybe im wrong in doin this but this is the person i am. i wont express where i do not expect to be understood. and that has been my bane all my life, i believe most of the people have failed to understand and see through to what i really am, aided by my own reluctance to reveal so i dont really mind in most cases. i may not be the person u would have wanted me to be, i may not be what many people would have expected me to be, but whatever i am, i do not regret being this person, and believe me im not that bad. i am a little child waiting to grow up, i am an old man saddled by the past, i am a young man setting out for a journey.
i am sorry for all the times i may have hurt you, but i also believe that at most of these times, i was failed to be understood. i do not blame you or anyone because the prime reason for that was my disability to communicate my desires and sorrows. and i no longer feel sad about that either, because i have become comfortably numb. i am not the sort of person who would hurt anyone, and i mean anyone. the only person i must have enjoyed hurting is myself. i have seen a lot than you would expect me to. i have learnt things from you and i have learnt things from the world, and lately i have started learning from myself too. what i mean to say is that i do not know only what u have taught me but i know a lot more than that. i still believe i know almost nothing, and i wanna learn. but now, i want to do it on my own. i want to fall and stand up all by myself. i want to be able to make mistakes, accept them, and learn from them. do not try and take away this liberty from me, for that would leave me with nothing.
i have made mistakes and i have learnt. i have learnt and i have changed. i do not know if i was supposed to be so but the fact is that i am so. and thus i can only try and hide those things about me and my life which i feel may perturb you or anyone. i may have been wrong in doing so but i dont believe i was. there are things i want to be concerned about on my own, and left alone fending my own problems. i am grateful that you are concerned and wish to help, but i do not wish to bother you, and i even feel that you having so much experience will not see the things that concern me in the same light as i do now. i am sorry if any of this sounds not to your liking.
as for sister, sometimes i do feel bad for the things i could have provided but i am not able to. it is all beacuse of the uneasiness of the interpersonal relations i share in the family and outside. it has always been a great matter of concern to me to understand people and be understood which i have found in perfect conjunction at very rare times. i do not want u to worry much about me, i will take care of myself, but please do look after her. i believe she needs you around her and not necessarily physical presence.
since you are asking for the report of the last semester, i believe you have already got it, or have an idea about it. so i will choose to not mail it to you. i am sorry about that. if you dont know then i will tell you that it is bad, real bad, as you would like to call it, and i would prefer you will let it be. i am sad and i am not sad at the same time. i am sad because i was fooled by my own expectations and did not see it coming. i am not sad because it has taught me some new things about myself, people and the world. i may not promise you to succeed this time for fear of letting you down, but i can only assure you that i know what i am doing. i may not understand somethings yet, but i seek to learn them myself.
i sincerely wish that you dont take my words in the wrong spirit. its my first attempt to open up to you, and it well may be the last. and i will ask you to stop worrying, i will do that all myself. and i would not like to talk about this letter, so i would request you to refrain from doing so. trust me, i havent lost my mind, i have jus come to have one of my own.
love and regards
feignman
i am sorry.
for whatever u think i should be sorry for.
and im sorry for the things which u may not even know about.
i know u have been trying to communicate your problems and intentions to me, and i know u feel that i dun understand or do not care. the irony is that i do. i know what u are talkin about but i dont feel the need to express that i understand. maybe im wrong in doin this but this is the person i am. i wont express where i do not expect to be understood. and that has been my bane all my life, i believe most of the people have failed to understand and see through to what i really am, aided by my own reluctance to reveal so i dont really mind in most cases. i may not be the person u would have wanted me to be, i may not be what many people would have expected me to be, but whatever i am, i do not regret being this person, and believe me im not that bad. i am a little child waiting to grow up, i am an old man saddled by the past, i am a young man setting out for a journey.
i am sorry for all the times i may have hurt you, but i also believe that at most of these times, i was failed to be understood. i do not blame you or anyone because the prime reason for that was my disability to communicate my desires and sorrows. and i no longer feel sad about that either, because i have become comfortably numb. i am not the sort of person who would hurt anyone, and i mean anyone. the only person i must have enjoyed hurting is myself. i have seen a lot than you would expect me to. i have learnt things from you and i have learnt things from the world, and lately i have started learning from myself too. what i mean to say is that i do not know only what u have taught me but i know a lot more than that. i still believe i know almost nothing, and i wanna learn. but now, i want to do it on my own. i want to fall and stand up all by myself. i want to be able to make mistakes, accept them, and learn from them. do not try and take away this liberty from me, for that would leave me with nothing.
i have made mistakes and i have learnt. i have learnt and i have changed. i do not know if i was supposed to be so but the fact is that i am so. and thus i can only try and hide those things about me and my life which i feel may perturb you or anyone. i may have been wrong in doing so but i dont believe i was. there are things i want to be concerned about on my own, and left alone fending my own problems. i am grateful that you are concerned and wish to help, but i do not wish to bother you, and i even feel that you having so much experience will not see the things that concern me in the same light as i do now. i am sorry if any of this sounds not to your liking.
as for sister, sometimes i do feel bad for the things i could have provided but i am not able to. it is all beacuse of the uneasiness of the interpersonal relations i share in the family and outside. it has always been a great matter of concern to me to understand people and be understood which i have found in perfect conjunction at very rare times. i do not want u to worry much about me, i will take care of myself, but please do look after her. i believe she needs you around her and not necessarily physical presence.
since you are asking for the report of the last semester, i believe you have already got it, or have an idea about it. so i will choose to not mail it to you. i am sorry about that. if you dont know then i will tell you that it is bad, real bad, as you would like to call it, and i would prefer you will let it be. i am sad and i am not sad at the same time. i am sad because i was fooled by my own expectations and did not see it coming. i am not sad because it has taught me some new things about myself, people and the world. i may not promise you to succeed this time for fear of letting you down, but i can only assure you that i know what i am doing. i may not understand somethings yet, but i seek to learn them myself.
i sincerely wish that you dont take my words in the wrong spirit. its my first attempt to open up to you, and it well may be the last. and i will ask you to stop worrying, i will do that all myself. and i would not like to talk about this letter, so i would request you to refrain from doing so. trust me, i havent lost my mind, i have jus come to have one of my own.
love and regards
feignman
posted by feignman @ 11:57 PM
24 Comments:
You take my breath away..simply marvellous. This is probably something everyone wants to say to his parents, especially when something goes horribly wrong. And believe me, sometimes talking about it also does help.
Waise I could not help wondering, you always seem to strike some chord within me. Is everyone at this age basically the same? Looking for some answers.
kya bolun..don't feel like leavin a comment...bahut ajeeb sa lag raha hai pad ke..i can't explain..
bahut zada acha likha hai...
milenge tab bataonga.. :-)
Ek aur mere liye bhi likh de pleaseeeee :-) , Yah fir main sochta hoon apne dad ko apne blog ka link bhej deta hoon , sab cool ho jayega ek baar mein hi .
well u reminded me of what i had been trying to tell my parents..the words i chose were kind of discomforting for my parents..:)..wish you had written this earlier so that i could borrow some words from u...:)..anyways,simply amazing...your words have the ability to touch every1's heart..:)
@zubin
thanks..:)
@anirudh
tune toh aj mil ke bhi nahi bataya..balki maine hi kuch bata diya tujhe ;)
@himshwet
yaar mujhe bhi laga tha bahut mushkil hoga, to choose the right words, but ek baar emotion mein aa gaya tha toh apne aap hi sab kuch hone laga :)...give it a try..it has brought me into a new state ;)
@akshata
thanks a lot...and its always a bit discomforting for the parents..trust me i know :)
thanks for droppin by..u got a pretty nice blog up too..
batonga mood se kabhi..:-)
what did dad say finally?..did he reply?..< am assuming u actually sent him this.>
This is me!
@bakra
yes he did reply..and i never thought he would not :)
@renegade
who is 'this'??
sometimes I feel the guilt that I am not the same high school kid which my dad thinks I am and I really want to tell him what exactly I am, but I guess sum things are best left unsaid.
phodu post once again...I think I shud not write this again n again on ur every new post but cant help it.
Really...are all kids your age basically the same?
Love this...it has always been a great matter of concern to me to understand people and be understood which i have found in perfect conjunction at very rare times.
Bahut sahi likh diya be tune to... main tere se us din chat krne ke baad soch raha tha ki tu pata nahi kya likhega...
gud that the thngs r under control now ....:)
Anguish and being Comfortably Numb. Seems to somehow make sense together..
How can a blog be "inquisitive"? Or am I missing something here?
this was first time i visited ur blog...i m a fan now.
Hi..m not from iitd but i know you thru Zubin. We work in the same company.
:whistles:....read it twice....cool post...
thanks..no guesses
when guilt and feelings come out in the form of words thats when your heart does the talking....loved every bit of what you wrote..touches the soul..gud work.
when guilt and feelings come out in the form of words thats when your heart does the talking....loved every bit of what you wrote..touches the soul..gud work.
Hey shruti told me you wrote well.And its true,not that i am a great critic or anything.Its just that that the initial part of the letter is something i can identify with.
I hope ur dad read this!! ....i cudnt get a chance to ever say this ...in words or ny other way...u r lucky enuff, to get a chance at least...
A fine piece of collections of ideas to express one's thoughts honestly
The awkwardness of saying it, the courage to survive the arguments (which sometimes go on for years), the guilt of having made your parents go through this phase, the insecurities thinking what if it all falls flat!! The price we pay for living our own life the way we want to!
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