Friday, November 04, 2005

Fuck Off

i got to know a truth i never knew. i dont even know if that is the truth. and that is exactly what i got to know, that i cant know anything for sure. a friend of mine told that i am a schizophrenic. so now i am always wondering if something is for real. i even wonder if that friend is for real. if he is not i guess i am just making up things about my own schizophrenia. but then he could be for real. in which case, his claim that one of my other friends is not for real must be true, assuming he is not lying to me, or playing a prank. but i dont want it to be true. i like that friend, or maybe that could have been one of the reason why i invented him in the first place. i dont know. but i just dont want him not to be real. in which case the first friend should not be real. in either case i lose a friend, for no apparent fault of mine. so now i dont like this fanciful state of being. it wasnt always like this. when he told me this for the first time, i had a strange feeling of elation. i felt like a genius. i felt like god for i could create a human out of nothing, i could define how he looks like to the last detail, how he walks and how he talks. or maybe she. maybe all the girls in the red, i cant help but notice on the roads, in the restaurants, whom when i find smiling at me, i grow manifold inside, have not been. they in most probability were not. and it scares me. maybe when i thought i was making out, i was just alone, kissing in the air, or maybe even myself, and they all stood their in a circle around me and had laughed. maybe they all actually laugh. maybe everyone except me has been knowing of my condition but me. i dont know. i cant be sure of anything now. i sit in the lectures and i feel they are staring at me, laughing hysterically, i turn to look at them, to find they are not actually looking at me but still i feel uneasy. i can see that faint smile on their face they are trying so hard to suppress. ah..they are all liking this game and playing along. i am the fucking stray dog on the road they can tie their crackers to, and have fun. i cant take anything for granted now. maybe thats not altogether a bad thing after all. i know, the guy who died because of me when i was thirteen, maybe that was all a dream. yeah, now i can say i made that whole story up, and sleep peacefully. but then im lost. reality, truth, dreams, people, ghosts, voices, all gets mixed up. its scary. hell scary. everything is a wonderland and its not even funny. i guess i am just fucked up and imagining this whole story up. maybe i am not even typing after all. haha..im sorry for all of you, coz this could have made a such a colourful scandalous story u never got to know of .. maybe i can use this imaginary occasion to say to all of you what i have been trying to say , those two words..

16 Comments:

Blogger Anirudh said...

very cool..nice style of writing..and an amazing topic to write about..brilliant

2:21 PM  
Blogger Phoenix said...

this is typically you....and the mind you dwell into, is a it of EVERYBODY. but onl u have this kinda amazing expression....
but i wont praise u any more...u havent done anything grt....u state facts. nthn more. ur story...naah...it's everyone's story.
But yeah all made up. because u want to stand ou in this sea of unnamed nobodys. U dont, but at lst u tried.
schizophrenic, but alive u r!
remain thatr, else the wolrld will say the same two words.

2:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Phukking good

7:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

@ phoenix
choose your words before you let them loose..

i dont make attempts to change the world but its an endeavour to see it..in a new light..i dont wish to stand somewhere particular..i wish to build a world around me where i am standing..

P.S. fuck the world..use a condom

1:13 PM  
Blogger Phoenix said...

narcissist.



like everyone.

3:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

@ phoenix
narcissists like everyone..:)

thanks but no thanks..

12:27 PM  
Blogger Himanshu said...

u did it again swept me off my feet by ur story guess u r indulging in too many of those freeing ur mind sessions :-)..

6:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks..ya i agree.. many..but maybe just too many :) ..trying to hold myslf back now..hehe

10:42 AM  
Blogger Kaala Kavva said...

acha hai acha hai
par hai kya ??
hehe
just mazaaking


btw r u sure mani exists ?
Muahahah (evil laugh)

acha ek baat bata
r u really suffering ya fiction ?
I cannot be sure u c.... :D

8:55 PM  
Blogger Harpreet said...

too good man...seriously!

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

but i think u should read the "monsters" waali post or the poems, i like them better :p

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have never known dat hiding behind such a innocent looking face,a gr8 creatve artist.i liked ur entwining of words in ur write ups nd poems.......................
Generally i didn't moved by ordinary talents and appreciates very few people but in your case i must say, i m impressed.

9:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:53 AM  
Blogger feignman said...

is it actually as if or is it asif?? neways thanks for the appreciation n am glad to be among the few people :) and tell me if u are the anonymous person on the other posts..

12:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this labyrithine mind of yours.interesting cos its different.but its better to sort out n simplify things rather than dwelling on abstract for long.for t path leads nowhere.more questions,no answers.only turbulance.wheres t peace.life is fair n unfair in equal proportion.but tis self imposed scizophrenia can be avoided if we stop glorifying it to start with...

3:08 PM  
Blogger feignman said...

this is who i am, or more precisely who i was four and a half years back. as much as i would have liked to buy 'peace', wouldnt want it at the expense of denying who i am.

4:05 PM  

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